The first rule of estate planning is that it’s never too late, until it’s too late. Yet many parents do not want to speak with their adult children about this extremely important topic. But as their adult children, you need this information. And let’s face it, you likely don’t want to hear about your parents’ decline and death any more than they want to talk about it!
I spent decades working in health care, including acute care, home health care, and hospice. It was unbelievable to me that so many people, especially those in their 60s, 70s, and above, were completely caught off guard by their inevitable death. They left their adult children “guessing” the answers to what we at TGQ Law refer to as the two most important topics that every adult should be able to answer with confidence:
1. What will happen to your assets, all the stuff you own, if you do not wake up tomorrow?
Does anyone know what you really have and does anyone have the ability to access it? Do they know what you want done with your assets? Your funeral?
2. What would happen if you were no longer able to make decisions for yourself?
Who will make the decisions, and what decisions would they make on your behalf?
If your parents cannot answer these questions, it is time to talk! And these questions are a great way to open up this conversation. According to George Mannes, executive editor at AARP The Magazine, “as a parent, one of the nicest things you can do for your children is reduce the number of puzzles and surprises that they have to deal with either when you’re in the hospital or after you’re gone.”
Acknowledge the emotions first
First, acknowledge the emotions that go along with these topics for you and your parents: fear, confusion, or resistance are all normal. This can be a very emotional topic. Make sure they know that talking through their affairs with you will reduce the anxiety and worry you will experience at a time that is already going to be hard. Not discussing estate plans can not only lead to added stress but can fuel conflict among families. From my years of experience in probate litigation, most of the adversarial cases I was involved with were the result of families that didn’t have these conversations.
Ease into the practical details
Your parents may be hesitant to show you their will, trust, or financial statements. You may be able to ease into this step by showing your parents that you understand these documents are less about death or money and more a reflection of their values and legacy. Make sure your parents know that your goal is to ensure their wishes are clear and honored. Asking questions like “What are your priorities for our family?” and “How can we support that?” is a great way to start the conversation.
Bring in a professional when needed
Once you have the conversation started, or even if it is just too difficult to approach alone, it is the perfect time to schedule a meeting with an attorney that specializes in Estate Planning, like those of us with The TGQ Law Firm. We are here to support and guide you and your parents through these challenging conversations.
Honor their decisions
And remember, in the end, it is important to support your parents’ decisions even if they differ from your preferences. This is the ultimate sign of respect.
